Before Dishonor

So, there're a bunch of those "Ask me three questions" dealies out there.

I almost want to do that. Except not really. So instead... just tell me something about me. What you think of me, whatever. Ask a question, if you so feel. I'll answer. Evasively, perhaps, but there will be a response.

Anonymous responses only. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

( So, after reading <i>Dear America</i> I wrote this. Should I turn it in to Ms. O'Brien? )

The answer is yes, with this letter attached:
( letter )

because no one needs to listen to my delirious rantings.

I'm beginning to doubt my own hold on reality. Sometimes, I have trouble distinguishing dreams from reality, and they blend into each other so well, it makes distinctions ever harder. Or maybe I can't tell the difference between me and my characters. I don't know.

So, I've changed my charries around a bit, they're a bit darker, quirkier and rougher. And they scare the shit out of me.

Matthew is now just plain psychotic, hallucinating, violent and deadly. Judas is even more ambigiously good and evil.

( The basic idea of Matthew's character, as revealed in an GAIM discussion: )

I've now got $719.02. I need another thousand. I wanted it before school started, but I don't think that's going to happen for some reason.

::EDIT::
I just finished Ender's Game. It's a lot better than I thought all around. Since the main character was a child, I thought that it would be a very simple book, for kids to read about the glory of another one of them. Their personal Gary Stu, in a way.
I was right about one thing- it's a realitively simple book. But that's all I got right. It's possibly one of the more disturbing reads I've had. That the main character was a child only emphasized that aspect. A child's mind is so... malleable, so fragile, so reich and creative. Ender's dreams disturbed me.
So, just because I want to save them outside of the highlighted bits of my copy, here are my favorite quotes:
"But later she thought about it and realized that perhaps, for Peter, it was a kind of magic, like her little fires; a sacrifice that somehow stilled the dark gods that hunted for his soul."

"'I also remembered that you were beautiful.'
'Memory does play tricks on us.'
'No. Your face is the same, but I don't remember what beautiful means anymore. Come on. Let's go out into the lake.'"

"SPEAKER FOR THE DEAD"

Judas.

Blue shift is cool. As soon as VALVe loads the damn hi-poly pack, I'll be a bit happier. I'll be even happier when they make a hi-poly MP5 instead of switching over to the 9mm Colt M4.

I want this gun. 'Cause it rocks, that's why.

While you're at it, toss in this uber-sexy knife. It's the CS:CZ and beyond knife, if you care.

::EDIT::
I just discovered that the VALVe/Steam version of Half-Life has the full song of "The Monster Mash" hidden in the misc sound folder. Strange, and awesome.

Half-Life: Blue Shift Released on Steam 56 Comments
8/24/2005 21:27 PST | Steam | by Pratt
Half-Life: Blue Shift is now playable for anyone that owns the Half-Life Premier Pack, the Half-Life 2 Silver package, or the Half-Life 2 Gold package!

Thank you God. I know what I'm going to be doing tonight after work.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	judasofkariot
Your haiku:	he had that air of an angel in the blood of his own voice do you
Username:
Created by Grahame

So, let's modify it, and format it...

He had that air of
an Angel in the Blood of
his own voice. Do you?

And one more, edited and formatted:

He took his chosen
to heaven- that left the rest
of you- just Judas.




Not bad, actually.

I must be a-knowing the right thing to do, since the buddy I've been helping with a girl has just gotten himself a date to homecomeing.

Suprisingly enough, my stories' have been moving along. Slowly, but I'm not forcing inspiration.

I played the Halo:PC demo. Enjoyed it, but had hell learning the controls. And the cutscenes keep screwing me up. Still don't like it, but I like it a bit more on the PC.

Actually, I'm not going to. I'm going to rewrite the whole damn thing anyway, so it's really just notes now. SWEET!!

OVER ONE YEAR WITHOUT USEING SPLELCHECK!!

I'm about to run Spellcheck.

This shouldn't be a big deal, but it's the first time I've done it to a "fun", voluntary, non-assigned piece of writing in over a year.

Words, Phrases, I'm sorry.

Judas.

In other news, I'm looking for a Nightwish song, called Carpenter. Can anybody help me there?

You what was the coolest thing at Philmont? The Protestant chapel. Not only did it have the most spectacular view, but it had an INDUSTRIAL cross. Not one of those small gold-and-sliver one, but a huge, twenty-foot one. Made of steel. Painted Golden Gate Bridge Orange. With a lightning rod. Yes, a lightning rod. That made me happy. As well as the Bibles they gave out. Small and compact, with the Philmont logo gilted into the leatherette cover. I have two, one fresh and crisp, and the other a little battered.

Do you believe in the nobility of suicide?

Dammit. Every now and then depression hits me for some reason or other. Right now, I've been helping a friend from scouts with a girl. Why the FUCKING HELL do people ask me for help in these things? If it's because I know them, why the hell don't I get ANYTHING. AT ALL. I'm not talking anything major, just anything, a quick dinner, a movie. ANY FUCKING THING AT FUCKING ALL.

Phil, why the hell do you always move a bit faster than me? Maybe it's I'm slow. Maybe it's I'm not trying. MAYBE I DON'T FUCKING CARE AT ALL.

I continue to lose myself in the non-reality I weave with writing. With UT04, CS1.5, System Shock2. What the fuck does reality have for me anymore? Why do I continue to try to live in it? It's not working for me.

Good Fucking Morning to the rest of you.
Judas.

Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace

Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none

Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise

Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.



NO.

This:

Part of this:

Is keeping me alive on Gaia. Now, whenever some angsty goth crap gets posted, this is replied. They started to bitch about trolling/flaming, then when other people came to my side, it's going well.

I hate people today. I'm feeling remarkably violent.

Okay, this is a bit of a long story, but stick with me here.

So, since the day that we had to pick up the TJ packets was the same day that my mom was in for surgery, Mrs. Stoltz took me and my brother in. At TJ, I met Nessa and Kim, and hugged them both, nothing unusual for the Aud Lob, right? Mrs. Stoltz saw this, and told my mom. Nothing bad there, right?

Wrong. Now they're both on me to get a date. Nothing bad there at all, I've been avoiding it for two years now. Not though lack of trying, but that's another story. Unfortunately for me, they threw in a termination clause. If I don't have a date for my Senior Prom, I'm going with my mom.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

So, to get a jump on things, any junior girls want to go to our senior prom with me?

I've recently rediscovered UT2K4. I love it all over again. I've also discovered sniping. Mainly, I learned how to zoom with the sniper rifle. The last game I played, against bots two levels higer than my normal, I got 137 kills, about a quarter of the headshots, in 15 minutes- no deaths. Averages out to one kill every six seconds. I also got several Double and Multi kills, which if you know the time limit on those, basically means that I need to string together two or more headshots.

However, I'm not just a camping bitch. In another game, while dying, I did manage about fifty kills in about seven minutes, mostly with the minigun and shock rifle, one with the sniper.

Good times.

My mom is out of the hospital, she's feeling fine.

Just got the news from my dad at the hospital. All three Operations on my mom's cancer went off without a hitch! Good shit! They caught the tumor early, so it did not spread at all. No lymph node removal necessary, rad-therapy will probably not be necessary, chemo will be abbreviated.

Otherwise, good shit as well. I got my schedule, it's on JGrafton's scheduler now, and here:
( FINE phil, I'll cut the damn thing )

Judas.

Got me first paycheck today, not as much as I hoped, but that's because it was from an earlier pay period. I'll get more next time...
Anyway, I'm about $325 closer to a computer than broke.

I've discovered a liking for French pop, this should tell you why. VNV Nation and Assemblage 23 still have a special place in my ear, along with ELO and a couple other bands.

Life, is good.

Judas.